today was one of those rare moments where i woke up and i thought: i’m in anguish!! i MUST write!!! and if you haven’t guessed it yet… it’s about a potential love interest…
i, like most, am not resistant to feelings of romance-related loneliness and wanting a partner (or multiple! we haven’t slapped the polyamorous label on ourselves yet). i haven’t been in a serious in-person relationship since high school and mind you, i’m 26. there’s been a handful of meaningful relationships that came and went in the online sphere, but it’s been a minute since i’ve held hands in that cold sweat, shaky, nervous way and since i’ve kissed someone.
so let’s rewind six months back to december. the sun is non-existent, boredom is at a high, and my closest companions are yearning and aching. i’m “window-shopping” on hinge (a bad habit that i’ve stopped since) and i match with this guy; we’ll call him josh. we stay in each other’s matches, both of us not willing to message the other first, and then it’s winter break and i jet off to nyc for the holidays. amidst visiting nyc for the first time and spending time with my friends, he comes up in conversation (and my mind) for the first time. “anh let’s see your hinge! the both of us1 are in relationships so we can’t be on the apps anymore,” says christy, who’s a little drunk after multiple somaeks. “hehe okay~!,” i reply, also drunk after multiple somaeks. i’m scrolling through my matches and walking down memory lane (“wait who is this again?”) when she leans in suddenly and yells "WAIT HE LOOKS FAMILIAR!” we click on his profile and scroll, then i look at her and ask her if she knows him. “ask him if he knows amy2.” obediently i do, and we carry on with our drinking and eating and gabbing while waiting for a response. “yeah i know amy; how do you know amy?” was the message i was after downing a glass of water; i’ll spare y’all the conversations and fast forward to the end of my vacation/january.
btw it's so hard for me to write the rest of this; i’m having to push through the part of me that’s cringing and tap into the ~writer~ that’s committing to the bit for content.
ANYWAY, josh and i go on a few dates when i’m back in austin before he goes back to nyc (he was visiting austin for the holidays; the coincidence is not lost on me). feeling particularly brave, i ask him on our last date, “so what now?” he’s understandably startled considering we’re both sitting in his car after he literally just pulled up to drop me off. “i don’t know, let me think about it.” a day passes with mundane texts exchanged when he says “so i think we should keep this platonic […] i don’t feel like i know you enough to want a long-distance relationship with you with no plan.” a well thought-out response that had both of our best interests in mind—i couldn’t have asked for a better rejection lbr, but it was still a rejection and it still stung.
naturally, our conversations die off as time passes. we’re both working adults, living in different time zones, leading different lives; proximity breeds affection or whatever. josh is nothing more than a passing thought that goes as quickly as it comes. it’s important to note that in-between now and january, i’ve met a man in an online space who i really like, we’re happy together, and i told him i think i might be poly in which he’s supportive but also understandably apprehensive. may comes and i, in a manic moment, reach out to josh to ask him if he’s going to lollapalooza this year (we both went in 2023 before we even crossed paths… kinda wild). he replies yes and we make small talk when he tells me that he’s going to be back in austin for two weeks and he’s down to hang out if i’m free. (omg???) i tell myself fuck it and make plans to hang out with him. we get dinner, we catch up, we plan another date. we get dinner, we talk about life in nyc and austin, we plan another date. our last date before he goes back to nyc is the screenshot at the top of page; we go see kingdom of the planet of the apes.
this is the last one, the last time we’ll see each other during this visit. this date is different from the last last one. we know each other a little bit better, i’m a different person from who i was 5-6 months ago, i’m no longer aching (i’ll never stop yearning, i’m just a girl after all). i’m a little bolder this time — i’m leaning on him at the movie (granted it’s because i’m cold and also i’m SAT for kotpota like he’s just a guy next to me right now tbh), i’m signaling that my hands are cold and he should warm them up (he doesn’t… boo…), ya know like i’m pulling the stops! oh god i really can’t recap this without dying of cringe helppppppp he drops me off at home and HUGS me goodbye (i definitely wasn’t hoping for a kiss or whatever… UGH!). it’s when i walk into my roommate’s room to debrief her that i realise i’m actually still the same person i was 5-6 months — shy, awkward, and unknowing in manners of the heart.
remember the man i mentioned earlier? we’ll name him brian. when it comes to my feelings about him, it’s so much easier. i like him and he likes me, we like spending time with each other, i think about him when i wake up, and he’s there when i fall asleep (we call every night). brian and anh are mom and dad, brian and anh make each other happy, brian and anh 4ever! josh and anh however… imagine big neon question marks, imagine aloofness, imagine the “this is fine” dog meme.
this isn’t to say that i’m not having fun, that i don’t also like josh; i am very much having fun and i do indeed like josh, it’s a hot girl summer after all! but does he like me? do i ask? do i care? i’m having fun after all and why ruin a good thing? don’t fix what isn’t broken is what they say (or whatever). but the question still screams: what do i do here? and dear reader, that brings us to the title of this essay.
my inner dialogue: about time you got to the point of this essay jfc
if you know me, you know i’m always barking “just do it! who cares? you’re probably never gonna see them again anyway.” i’m all about living life to the fullest; very fuck it we ball mentality. after all, life is short and we’re young! so why can’t i apply that to this? why am i hesitant? what is causing me to hold back? have i not grown? after a lot of contemplation, i think it’s because the other party is a real person, a person i’ve spent time with and gotten to know, a person that, even if i tried not to, i care about. it’s so easy to give advice to others because it’s not something that’s happening to you; you’re just a bystander, an audience to ask, a friend to phone. and it’s so easy to adopt a mindset and say yeah! this is how i’m gonna live my life B), but this is only a third of the battle. the rest is actually practicing and living it which is soooo hard!! this results in randomly thinking about it in the shower and dying of cringe (UGH!!!! WHY DID/DIDN’T I DO/SAY THAT!!!) which is what i’ve done all weekend and will continue to do because i haven’t squashed the part of me that cringes yet.
i did end up texting him “so what now?” at 11pm (my version of a “u up?” text at 3am) and got an insecure regurgitation 10 hrs later of what he told me six months ago: “i don’t know how i feel about you but i still have a hard boundary on long distance.” sorry josh, but i did roll my eyes reading this in-between work emails. i think people need to grow up about long distance, but that’s just me. i told him that it seemed like he needed to keep doing some thinking, and he agreed. i have no idea where this will lead, but i’m still strapped in for the ride i guess.
yours,
anh :p
our friend eric is also with us and expresses no interest in looking at my hinge… men :rolling_eyes:
name change for privacy reasons